I was planning to get a Phd
I had all of these plans and goals and ideas
I’m not planning to anymore.
Because of Bipolar
and some not because of Bipolar
and yet even the reasons that seem to me to not be Bipolar
have been made by Bipolar
so yes
I guess it is all because of Bipolar
there is an example of how Bipolar affects everything….
not just with its symptoms and episodes
but also with what we learn through it…
Because the truth is
I don’t want one anymore
I don’t care about it anymore.
So you see…
I know how hard it would be for me to pull off with the Bipolar
AND
living with Bipolar
has shaped my values and feelings about
life
and my priorities.
It seems to happen often…..
an illness or health crisis takes a person
all the way down
ushers them all the way to the gates…
until they see and contemplate their own
end
their own
death.
And then…
the reprieve
the save
maybe a new kidney
the chemo
the triple by pass
or the Xanax Lithium Abilify combo…
or
just the something else inside
that somehow
drags you
back
to the
surface…
New lease on life
New appreciation for life
Values shift
priorities change
what once mattered…
doesn’t matter anymore
what once didn’t seem to matter…
Matters so very much.
And sometimes when a person lives through immense suffering…
their experience of the mundane…the daily…the small…the routine….
excuse the huge cliche but
the simple things
the little things
become embedded with worth.
Because when you have lived with pain…
and when you know that the pain will be back…
again
and
again
and again.
Then every day…
every moment…
without pain…
becomes precious.
And getting to live in those moments…
and getting to have as many as possible
is
all
I
want.
When you’ve woken up so many mornings in swirling anxiety
when you’ve hated your life
when you’ve hated yourself
when you’ve lost
all joy
all passion
all hope
all
everything you were and are and had…
and then
you fight
and you get it back…
you want it so much more.
Life is different after that
I am different because of that.
How can you not be different after that?
And after you’ve had those times and days and moments…
making a cup of tea without effort…
looking at the sky and actually
seeing it
listening to music
and actually
hearing it
having someone tell you that they love you
and actually
believing it
is
what
matters.
Just being able to sit at your kitchen table
and
your thoughts move forward into the future
whether five minutes from now
or five years
and you DON’T feel
terror
and dread
and a suffocating
overwhelmedness
uncomfortable
dead numb pain
an apathetic torment
but rather
feel
good
content
dare I say…happy.
and you can just think to yourself
what should I make for dinner?
and the only thoughts and feelings that come are about food…and what is in the fridge….and what would you like……
NOT a paralyzing swirl of deadly sludge.
I fucking love that.
If I am totally honest…
many of my reasons for wanting to get a Phd
were completely ego based
they came from the desire
to be validated in that way by the world
I wanted to prove something..
prove what?
I don’t know
my brains?
my worth?
To win something so everyone could see how awesome I am?
THAT means Nothing to me anymore…
I left those flimsy desires on the bathroom tiles along with tears.
THEY were eaten by the pain that has permeated my very being…
And I now have
nothing
to
prove.
Bipolar is NOT who I am
Bipolar has SHOWN ME
who
I
am.
Bipolar has shown me
how strong I
truly
am.
Bipolar has shown me
what is
real
what
matters
what
I
really
want
from this
precious
one life
of mine.
And in this way
what Bipolar has taken from me…
is nothing compared to the
blessings
I have wrested from its grasp.
And you know what?
most of the rest of the reasoning I had for wanting a Phd
was about
helping people
and you obviously don’t need to go to school
to learn how to
help people.
So who gives a shit about a Phd
not me
I can’t even find traces of those desires in me.
I guess you could say I got my “Doctorate” degree from Bipolar university…
(although I am obviously “continuing my education”)
I got my degree in
fighting for my life
my health
my happiness
my everything.
And I am more proud of that continual work and accomplishment
than I ever would have been
of a
Phd.
a Bipolar life
is not only a life…
worth
living.
It is a life
worth
fighting
for
Claya Caper is the voice behind the popular blog, Bipolar First Bipolar Together. Her writing offers a fresh, raw, honest perspective on Bipolar disorder. What she calls Real Bipolar. Claya is dedicated to empowering the Bipolar community as well as others who live with similar conditions (She doesn’t like the word mentally ill!). You can find Claya at her blog https://bipolarfirst.wordpress.com and on Twitter at https://twitter.com/BipolarFirst. Follow the Butterfly!
I also had plans to do my PhD and then bipolar…I get you.
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Thank you Marisa. I get you too….
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Reblogged this on Bipolar First Bipolar Together and commented:
I’m reblogging my own piece! How self absorbed it that?
Whatever. this one meant something to me.
Not that the others don’t mean anything to me….
just yeah okay stop the rambling
Plus, OCH is a great website that a lot of you might enjoy heartily.
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Amazing writing….from one of your biggest fans, C!
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This is wonderful! Thank you for writing such an honest and empowering piece. You realize the value of your life, and I wish you the very best in living a fun and fulfilled one.
I’m not officially diagnosed with bipolar YET, but every screening test I have taken (And those random suicidal mood swings that come almost out of nowhere) shows me that I very likely am.
I do plan to get my phD but I also realize that it will be a huge challenge, and I might not quite get there.
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