I rip you to shreds with my bleeding ink spot leaking heart pride
I hate you, I despise you with the bitter guts and boiling blood that festers inside
It’s all a waking dream and I’m suffocating
Where, so where do I place the fear I carry so heavy too heavy to mind
I’m quite sure my heart will give out long before the scattered, tattered jumble paper mess memories dry brittle
I scribble fast the fury not to forget
The memories are disappearing fading fast wadded paper cedar trees, football field lengths between me and me
I’ve forgotten how it feels to hold you in high esteem and tempting melted milk chocolate covered tongues
Once upon a time I cried, screamed, howled
I believed wholly and eyes closed, the whipping wind white puffy fluffy sky free ride
Liars and petty thieves, humans
The sun doesn’t shine bright on my sullen skin anymore and I’m knee deep in muddled pride
I loved you once I surmise
I believed the silly unicorn light up the night notions
Feeding frenzied Coyotes circle dense fog forest grey days
Threaten tempting black empty nothing bliss
Ripping tearing shredding gutting smiling puppy dog faces
The lines blur
Are you awake, dead dreaming
Misconstrued misaligned misperception hazed out of focus
Are you real or are you dead
Well for fuck’s sake, what are you really?
Tell me, I’m screaming inside with knee jerk clenched fist death wish jumping jack out of my skin beanstalk
Shh, I can’t hear my own running in circle cries
Quiet now, hush now pretty pretty pretty
Three times not twice rules are made to be shattered glass smashed
So what am I
Tell me now before I sink deep and deeper
Losing quietly ever so gently lovingly my beautiful chaotic mind
Write it all down love, quickly and with a certain kind of steadfastness
Star stuff flurries go poof and disappear before your eyes
Questioning the knighted crown jeweled worthy existence
I’m not ready, fading, falling
It’s all a waking, mystical magical nightmare
Dreaming awake, I scream silent
I love you, I hate you
I hate you, I love you
I love to hate you, I hate to love you
Makes no difference under the veil
When buried behind a double blurred vision am eye
Jacqueline Cioffa was an international model for 17 years and celebrity makeup artist. She is a dog lover, crystal collector and Stone Crab enthusiast. Her work has been featured in the anthology, Brainstorms, and numerous literary magazines. Living with manic depression, Jacqueline is an advocate for mental health awareness. She’s a storyteller, observer, essayist, potty mouth and film lover who’s traveled the world.
Her poignant, literary fiction debut, The Vast Landscape, gives new meaning to intense, raw and heartfelt.
Fans of the emotional, soul stirring first novel will not be able to put the exciting sequel, Georgia Pine, down.
The essence continues because you do. Harrison leaves the door open a crack. I seize the opportunity to revisit my whole, healthy self a bit longer, live in the mystic beach home I adore, dream eyes open. Hope is our greatest asset. To choose hope against the worst possible odds is the true measure of life.
~ Georgia Pine by Jacqueline Cioffa
Look for her on Gravity Imprint of Booktrope Publishing and her new column, “Bleeding Ink” with Feminine Collective.