It always begins with the silence
maybe that’s why I’m afraid to be alone
in the quiet
in the dark
where there is nothing but a mind numbing hum
that only grows louder
until all I can hear is a words jumbled inside my mind
so important and they need to get out
but they won’t stop coming no matter how fast I write them

And then there are faces
the faces of my family my friends
afraid
they don’t understand the words
they don’t understand me
I become angry
and suddenly the words tumble out faster and faster
turning into hatred and tears
my body no longer able to keep up
sleep no longer exists

until
I fall

down into the hole of warmth
that sickening warmth
suddenly silence is the only thing that will comfort me
sleep
sleep
food has no use for me
food will make me alive
I drink only because if I don’t I can no longer cry
I want to melt into this mattress
I want to disappear

the faces come back one by one
still afraid
begging
pleading
asking me to come back
but what is there to come back to?

But wait..
it’s as though a dim light has been switched on
I no longer hear the distant hum
I no longer crave the darkness
I am no longer afraid.

Nabilah Safa loves to read, bake cookies, and is currently writing her memoir. She writes about living with Bipolar disorder on her blog and hopes to bring awareness to others in the community.