by Joseph S. Fusaro

I do not know how to reach you
But I can see that you need me
Maybe I need you
I don’t know
Everyone is going to think I am off the wall
Everyone is going to
Who cares
How come in 2001 I didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought and then I turn 30 and all of a sudden every time I do not agree with the majority it is the end of my fucking world

Put him on more drugs
Send him to another doctor
Call the cops
Put him in a home

I am not crazy
I am just so alone

I am so alone
Give me a second to cough up the confusion before you claim I have lost it all
Again I fall
I had come so far
Yet again I fall

It is too much
I am too tired
Headaches
Back pain
They say it is just a migraine
Eyes twitch
My legs stiffen up
My spine detaches
I swear
The cataracts
I swear
I know you can not see it
But when I…
Forget it

It is just so heavy
The heartburn
The weights
The burden
It is too much
It is too much

I heard your song
It had me going all night long
Insomnia
Thinking about the best way for me to call you back
Thanks for another message
False hope
I have the wrong number
No
I do not have any number at all
Hellllo!

I am being so selfish
How can I ever expect you to answer the call of everyone in the world

I thought it was me you are looking for
Because in 2013 I woke up early one morning and was re introduced to music with the beat you put to your song

It must have been on the radio a million times a day from the spring throughout the summer

And every once in a while…

Wait!
That was some insane thunder
Then the bolt
No?

I swear it happened
It is February 24th
Year 2016
10:50pm
Check the New York weather map
Check the world
I am writing this
I am home

Damn
I wish I could reach that nice blonde girl
I saw your message to your fans
I have not forgotten about you

I too am
So alone

I thought that if I had a way to get back to you
Without a publicist filter
A managers address
My poems get lost
Thrown out
To the dump
Because according to some
I am out of control

I am so alone

I made up with all of my family
My friends
I met some new people
I took some classes
Got certified
I applied to some jobs
I could not care less

It does not mean a thing
Unless I am writing

Alone

I am content
I am far from fulfilled
But I am doing everything I am told
And when I follow the lead of people that are not me

Fuck
I am okay
I am stable
I am grounded

But damn
I am so alone

Sometimes I wonder if I should keep trying
There is a ring
Then it goes right to the voice mail of my day dream
I think…

Wait your husband?
2
3
5 kids?

The youngest is 12?

Well oh fuck
Oh no
Where did the time go?

And even if I wanted to be with you
That is not the point of me getting through
I just wanted to ask if there was anything I could do
I have been there
I can not watch someone go through what I went through
Everyone is scared to touch us like we are
Electric
Fire
Contagious

I swear on my life
I met you in a dream

These thoughts
These beliefs
These symptoms

We can’t fake this.

All I really wanted to say was I have faith in you
Maybe a part of me thought someone would come and save us
Maybe they already saved me and I should be more grateful

Listen
Please

If you ever need anything
Do not hesitate
I mean
Just know that you are going to be okay

I have been that alone
There is no reason for us to just wait
Standby

I do not even have a few dollars to buy you a coffee
I don’t even have a phone

My message is in the air
I sent it to you
Via the Universe

If you see it
Please take it

I am trying not to keep everything inside anymore
I am learning to let go

I am finally all better

But damn

I am so alone

So
Please
Let us never be alone anymore
I hate to do this again
But I am headed north
I am

Going
Home…

New love manifesting
It is all connecting
My vibe is calming
Soothing
Soft
Inviting
And accepting

Let’s connect then
Write me back a letter
Sing me your song
I want to hear your voice when I reach my bed
I need to see your eyes go from creased to slightly open
Huh?
What?
Oh
Smile
Yawn

Good morning
It has been too long
Love
I think about nothing too much
Then I want it all
I do not need anyone
I need someone
I create it
Attracted
By law
I needed you all along
Let us not
Let us please
Never be
Alone anymore

Joseph S. Fusaro credits writing with helping him dig his way out of a serious bout with depression and anxiety which turned into schizoaffective, which later turned into bipolar 1 (manic depression). Joe was a cast member in the ‘This Is My Brave’ New York City show this past October and looks forward to using his experience with mental illness to help others realize there is hope for a positive and productive future. In addition to music and poetry Joe has blogged for the mental health organizations NAMI, Conquer Worry, and This Is My Brave. In November of 2015 Joe became a Mental Health Ambassador for the mental health organization Project 375 and Mycounterpane.com. Joe is currently finishing his second poetry book.