To Research Love

by Neesa Suncheuri

A profile of me was created on Wikipedia recently, outlining my prolific career, naming me as a highly-esteemed professional. I read it, and laughed at the sentence about my undergraduate degree. How I finished it when I was sixteen. I was ambitious about thermodynamics back then, yet I had never seen a woman naked in the flesh.

I was an idealist then, wanting to change the world and all. But these days, I am no longer curious, and I no longer want to change the world. I piddle my time away, striving to further mankind’s understanding of climate change. But it is only mere habit these days, and bears no meaning. It makes me miserable, how intelligence is not enough to save the world. Nor is it enough to win a decent woman. The idiots I navigate around, staff and students both… they still find happiness in their partners and spouses.  But why not me?  Why does no one love me?

Perhaps because love is not real.  Love cannot be seen tangibly. I live for truth and reason, and I must see it physically first, what I choose to believe in.

Underneath my skin, there also lives a pack of lies.  This armor I use to bat away people from me, called  “Workaholism” … It is nothing more than a string of excuses.

“Oh… I’m busy…”

“I need to stay late, I’m working…”

“Hold on, I’m on the middle of something… Bye.”

But it actually comforts me, to be such isolated.

My education, discoveries and accomplishments merely create a story that serves no purpose, beyond what I contribute.  Who am I really, underneath everything that I know?

After my natural death, my body will become as humorous as a stale raisin.  As for my contributions to society, they will be thoroughly documented, and my work will be continued by another scholar.

I sure as hell hope that there are people out there smarter than me.  For to be the best, is dismal and grim, because I only see flaws and imperfection.  That is how I became “the best” in the first place.

Were there anything of character or truth in this world, I would be worried at the loss of my life.  But as this is questionable, it is not worth at all the bother of ponderance.

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Neesa Suncheuri works as a mental health peer specialist at a housing agency in Queens, New York.  She is the founder of a Facebook discussion group for peer specialists and other recovery enthusiasts, entitled “What is Wellness?  A Mental Health Discussion Group.”  Much of her creative inspiration is rooted in her now-tamed schizophrenia.  She is a singer/songwriter, and performs in various venues in the city.  She writes poetry, maintains a blog and is currently working on a memoir.  Follow her on Twitter at @aquariumspeaks.

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2 thoughts on “To Research Love”

  1. Neesa, I might beg to differ with this assessment of your significance, but I also know well how uncomfortably comfortable social isolation can become. And, finding love, that’s a whole other muddle. Even in a down mode your writing always is real food.

    Like

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