POETRY: Ambivalence

by Neesa Suncheuri

I know what’s right, but I wish it wasn’t right.
I wish it were wrong.

I want the truth to be something I could easily disagree with,
But…

For me to continue living the proper way,
I must turn into another person,
And progress through life unassumedly,
Never asking questions,
Never turning my face away from truth’s cold to find
Comfort in the warmth of lies.

I see hints to answers when I look in the mirror,
Of who I am supposed to be.
I must look well, because
Those who look wrong are wrong,
And I want nothing to do with them.
My reflection is the litmus test.
All is good when beautiful.

I survive by being someone else,
Outwardly a person with steadfast,
Unwavering opinion.
Yet I secretly tweedle within myself
Between truth and popularity,
Avoiding the white and black of arguments,
Instead preferring shades of gray.
But this drab hue attracts the heavy mists,
Which drag behind me as does
A laced train from a reluctant bride.
Then the dark, stormy rains follow,
And I am drenched in the storm
That draws its fuel from my insincere alliance.

Truth does not expose the enemy.
All that exists is
The mirror and
The desire.

We are cursed indeed.

neesas1

Neesa Suncheuri works as a mental health peer specialist at a housing agency in Queens, New York.  She is the founder of a Facebook discussion group for peer specialists and other recovery enthusiasts, entitled “What is Wellness?  A Mental Health Discussion Group.”  Much of her creative inspiration is rooted in her now-tamed schizophrenia.  She is a singer/songwriter, and performs in various venues in the city.  She writes poetry, maintains a blog and is currently working on a memoir.  Follow her on Twitter at @aquariumspeaks.

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