So Say His Girlfriends

by Neesa Suncheuri

His smooth skin shines brightly.
I’m overwhelmed with warmth and wonder,
It’s not a choice to fall in love.
His eyes tell glad stories he never reveals outwardly,
Hypnotizing me when he smiles,
Fueling my unspoken imaginations.
Thoughts of HIM intersect with hopes for romance,
I invent a perfect relationship with HIM in my mind,
Playing parts of both HIM and myself within myself.
In the vague shadows of my dreams,
He stands before me openly.
But all we do is gaze at one another,
No hands ever holding, neither arms embracing.
We say nothing to one another,
But merely feel each other’s spiritual presences.
I think of HIM every waking moment,
Which is clear evidence that we are soulmates.

Yet he is unaware of my connection!
He always smiles at other women,
Those easier to look at with their laughter and pleasantries.
Happiness is a foreign language I cannot understand,
So I never can join in on their conversations.
They don’t understand me either.  My language is grief.
There is no one to translate these tears,
No one can decode my silent prayers begging for his glance.
I am an unwanted alien, and my thoughts are wrong.

I try to communicate with HIM by offering a little gift,
A statue of a Hindu deity, filled with my spiritual intentions.
But he fails to notice its wordless representation,
Merely interpreting my gift as a stalker’s threat

So say his girlfriends.

An interruption on his happy life

So say his girlfriends.

No room for a new friend

So say his girlfriends.

She is crazy

So say his girlfriends.

This desperation causes me to deteriorate.
Without HIM, I have no purpose in life.
I scream aloud in the streets with despair, frantically asking passersby:
“Where has my love gone? Why am I too evil to be loved?”
They paint me crazy, as I run through the night with no destination in mind.
I am suddenly pregnant with his child,
The one I asexually produced when I invented our relationship in my head.
I want an abortion, so I rush to the hospital.
No baby, yet I am forced to stay.

In this hospital, I forever remember HIM.
He is the reason I am here.
He is the subject of my memories.
The subject of my thoughts today.
The future that will be the same as today.
He lives within me, I love HIM and I am HIM.
We are together, safe within the walls of this institution.
I belong here, I must be locked away

So say his girlfriends.

I will be safe here, away from the world

So say his girlfriends.

I will never knock on his door again

So say his girlfriends.

Mankind has no use for me

So say his girlfriends.

My circumstances are happy.  My future is set.
We are wedded together forever.

neesas1

Neesa Suncheuri works as a mental health peer specialist at a housing agency in Queens, New York.  She is the founder of a Facebook discussion group for peer specialists and other recovery enthusiasts, entitled “What is Wellness?  A Mental Health Discussion Group.”  Much of her creative inspiration is rooted in her now-tamed schizophrenia.  She is a singer/songwriter, and performs in various venues in the city.  She writes poetry, maintains a blog and is currently working on a memoir.  Follow her on Twitter at @aquariumspeaks.

 

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3 thoughts on “So Say His Girlfriends”

  1. This is an amazing poem, Neesa, such a story of struggle to be understood. At some risk of levity, but knowing somewhat of your taste in light opera, I’ll quote a line that springs to mind: “Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest.”

    Like

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